Cusp

Sorry. Yun lang ang laman ng sulat niya. P__I__! Bakit siya ganito? Sinbukan ko namang ibigay ang lahat. Pinili ko din namang intindihin siya ha! Pero bakit ganito? Andaya talaga niya!

Mandurugas, Balasubas, Hudas, ano pa ba ang pwede kong itawag sayo? Talagang hindinh-hindi kita mapapatawad sa ginawa mo. Marahil yun din ang dahilan kung bakit “Sorry” lang ang tanging masabi mo. Alam mo namang kahit ano pa, pagkahaba-haba man ng explanasyon mo, galing man yan kay Nietzsche, Kierkegaard, sa paborito mong pilosopo na si Camus o kahit kanino pa mang pilosopo walang pupukaw sa pait na ibinigay mo. Alam mo rin namang may galit ako sa kanila o kung hindi man nagseselos lang ako. Sinabi mo na sa akin noon na itigil ko na ang pag-iisip ko nang ganito. Pinilit mo pa ngang isiksik sa utak kong kinakalawang ang mga pilosopiya nila ngunit kahit anong gawin mo tila wala nang pag-asa. Basta nag alam ko masaya ako (bago mo ako sinaktan) at hindi ko na kailangan ng mga ganyan.

Naalala ko pa noon ang saya-saya natin o baka ako lang pala. Minsan kasi hindi ko matanggal sa aking isip na ginagamit mo lang ako. Baka nga ako lang ang isa sa iyong mga kasangkapan para maiba naman ang daloy at magkaroon ng panibagong bugso ang iyong buhay. Pwede din namang armas mo ako sa pagrerebelde mo sa mundo, partikular na sa iyong magulang.

Sa lahat ng taong nakilala ko ikaw ang pinakakakaiba. Sinabi ko nga yan sayo at sagot mo nga ay “Pinupuri mo ba ako o kinukutya?” Bakit ka ba ganyan mag-isip? Pareho nga yata, kasi naman ganon ka din sa akin. Pinapasiya mo ako habang sinaksaktan.

Gusto ko nang tapusin ito. Ang pagsariwa sa nakaraan ay parang paglalagay ng asin sa sugat na kailan may hindi na maghihilom. Sa huli ito lang rin ang masasabi ko, salamat!. Salamat sa papatikim mo sa akin sa lahat ng lasa ng buhay, lalong-lalo na sa pagpapanamnam mo sa akin ng pait nito.

Dahil dito hinding-hindi na ako tulad ng dati. Hindi na ako magkukubli sa saya dahil mulat na ako na ang mundo ay malupit. At higit sa lahat mas malakas at matatag na ako.

Ilang taon na rin pala. Ngayon sa wakas ay nabisita din kita. Sana ay masaya ka na kung nasaan ka man ngayon...ay hindi mo pala yun magugustuhan. Sana na lang tama ka sa naging desisyon mo.

*for MM who inspired me to write this and to those who can appreciate

**what do u think about the story...got any questions...just post it ok!

new_light_aurora
9/23/04

Somewhat right.. a little bit wrong

I am truly passionate.

Virtues: You appreciate humor like none other. Puns might even spark laughter in you (TEHY R FUNNI). You seek adventure and connection with your surroundings. You seek friends who will not only share laughs with you but actually form a deep bond of trust and empathy beneath the surface. You look for adventure and courage in people, and variation is necessary to keep you under control. You see yourself as multi-faceted, so you need people who can see you in your many lights. You're constantly trying to figure yourself out while analyzing the people around you. Silly, silly people.

Aspirations: You can't decide what you want to be yet, but you know you want it to be adventures and interesting, with constant changes. You don't know what love will do for you yet, but it's competing with adventure for a place in your heart. An internal conflict has begun: can you be a successful worker, lover, and parent all at once?

Quirks: Noise of any sort is irritating when you're in the mood. Smacking gum, loud chewing, humming- it's about as pleasing as bodily noises. You dislike emaciated people because of jealousy and just plain disgust. You're a procrastinator but a hard worker, too.
Factors: You need constant attention and support. You're high-maintnence, but a great, reliable friend. Nature needs you and you need nature; it's helped thus far, so keep in touch with the outside world.

Future: Who knows! You absolutely need constant change, so vacationing is surely in the cards. Will you settle down or not? Love will find you eventually, as it does to everyone. Will you choose the sweet home life or the rewarding busy-bee life?

Find your soul type at kelly.moranweb.com.

Empty

The world occupies my mind
with all my dreams that died
and the pus it left behind

.......

reality had sucked it all
deeply up to the bone
leaving only none

.......

i grope for the impossible
stick even if its unrealible
outcast thats now i become

.......

wasted i go where you point me
even nod to everything you tell me
thats when i was born
and EMPTY i am

In me

Your words are always bothering me
everywhere I go its haunting me
until now its hurting me

did u really planned on slaughtering me?
or is this your way of enlightening me?
little by little killing me

the light is already blinding me
reality is draining me
when will you start rescuing me?

i was on the edge of ending me
because even you are not defending me
why do u keep on denying me?

still..
you are In me
undeniably changing me
in a way molding me

forever will...
your words are bothering me

Where is mine?

I'm quite bothered because this pass few months I can't hardly feel it beating the way it normally does. Is it because of the hard blows it had faced? or maybe due to its confusion on the ever changing world? or I guess brought about by the people who crushed it with broken promises? or most probably my own fault by insisting the philosophies that is constantly rejected by reality? I can only ask and hope for now that soon I will figure out...

Apoy na nawawala

Ngayon na namatay na ang baga
ni usok walang makita
nagmumuni-muni hanggang umaga
ngunit tanging abo ang nasa gunita

Maglalakad,
tatakbo,
biglang hinto
hanggang kailan ako ganito?

Patuloy na mangangapa sa kawalan
hindi man alam hanggang saan
o kung may iba pa bang daan
tila walang patutunguhan

Hahanapin uli
magtatanong
tapos mapapagod
asan ang lugod?

It may stop but not end here...

Maraming tao ang lumalabas pasok sa ating buhay. May mga nariyan lamang kung kailangan ka, nariyan lang, nariyan lang kanina, nariyan kahapon, nariyan ngayon, nariyan sa hinaharap at ang pinakamahalaga ay ang mga nariyan at hindi mawawala. Sadyang mahirap humanap nito dahil kakaunti na lamang ang may angking katangiang ganito na nabubuhay sa mundo. Matagal din akong naghanap ngunit nakita ko siya noong hindi ko inaasahan.

Kahit saan, kahit kailan, kahit ano pa siya ay laging nasa piling ko, hinding – hindi malilimutan at kalilimutan kasama ang mga tawa, halakhak, luha, problema, solusyon, panibagong problema, sakit sa puso, paghilom ng puso, sakit na uso, sakit sa bato(gan) at matitinding sakit sa bulsa.

The life I wanted...or I thought so

Is this enough to change my path?

I read this article and I immediately felt so envy...so envy..that it has again awaken my desire to take the other road. Then reality came to opposed it.

I just want more but it seems that I have to take less.
I'm still not convinced. I'm not yet ready t0 stand for it and I'm not sure if I will ever be.
Still thinking until know or maybe forever dreaming for tomorrow

A few lines that I like

matututunan mong mahalin ang buhay
nabubuo ang pagkatao
Nahahasa ang utak
Tumatatag ang prinsipyo
Nabubusog ang kaluluwa
Ang puso, minsan humahalakhak, minsan lumuluha
Mga klase na pumupukaw sa kaisipan
Mga gawaing akademiko na humahamon sa tatag ng loob at tibay ng katawan
Mga gimik na simple pero rock
Mga usapang pang-kaibigan na nagpapagaan ng mga problema
Mga kwentuhang kalokohan at masayang halakhakan
Mga palitan ng ideya tungkol sa kahit anong mga bagay
Mga simpleng pagsasama-sama na gumagamot sa mga pusong duguan

Long I have known but I just realized

I can still remember this quote that my prof in anatomy gave as introductory to the female reproductive organ. The first time the sentence landed my ears (plus eyes i suppose) i knew it will be added on the continually growing number of thoughts stored in my prefrontal brain (wait ill stop now before i give high fallotin' words). The quote goes like this:

"your sorrows are your joys unmasked" --Kahlil Gibran

Ironic, isn't it? A lot of things are and I'm really fascinated in it.
How come sorrows are unmasked joys? Its absurd but true.
It is like saying that all our joys, happiness, or the like all rooted from our very own pains. The pains that pinned us down, knocked us several times and is still continually crippling us. It was as if telling us to REJOICE SUFFERING for when it cease to exist we will never TASTE HAPPINESS or in other words without SORROWS there can never be JOYS.

Did you get my point?
Ok i guess that's it for now. Its hard to explain things and I feel a lazy to elaborate on that.

P=J=S=H=L=M=A (decode!)

Queued

What a day! Yesterday was great. Period. I don't why I dont want to say anything more. Maybe soon I'll figure out but for now I will leave it like this ...undescribed..unknown.

I thought i already knew it..but the truth is..I don't have any idea.
Tomorrow maybe i'll tell you but for now I'll remain an enigma.
*my thoughts

As i was waiting for my name to be called i read this magazine since i don't really enjoy being comatose or maybe i just hate the movie they're watching. As i was reading (the magazine really got interesting articles there including health facts..w/c i can relate to somehow plus ah & inspirational stories..of the two women grace padaca & patricia..oh i forgot..) i came across this

The most destructive habit - Worry
The greatest loss - Self respect
The most endangered species - Dedicated leaders
The greatest "shot in the arm" - Encouragement
The most effective sleeping pill - Peace of mind
The world's most incredible computer - The brain
The deadliest weapon - The tongue
The most prized possession - Integrity
Our greatest natural resource - Youth
The most crippling failure disease - Excuses
The greatest problem to overcome - Fear
The two most power-filled words - I can

I actually omitted some of it already
I guess most of them are true...but most definitely it doesn't apply to all of us.

Oh..sayang..i didn't make it to the Matilda shoot..my ortho's fault..anyway..
Thats it for now...

another test..

You have a Lost Soul. No one is really sure what
that can always mean, because it can be defined
in many ways. As Legend goes, lost souls were
the spirits of passed away people who are
neither in heaven nor hell. They walk the
earth, brooding mysteriously, always appearing
when you expect it least. So hence, if you have
a Lost Soul, then you are probably very
insecure and shy. Stuck in your own little box,
you watch the world fly by as a loner. You dont
know your place. You seemingly dont have a
place in society or an interest. You are a very
capricious person, and are confused and
frustrated about where you belong. You crave
for the sense and feeling of home-but have not
obtained it yet.

What Kind of SOUL do you posses?
brought to you by Quizilla

and another...


You're Element is Night. You're a loner who is very
creative but never show your work to anyone.
You may smile a little but sadness or
loneliness surround you and other can feel it
when they're near you. You have a dark or
unusual beauty that makes you mysterious and
you probably have a lot of secrets that you've
never told anyone. You're beauty is intriging
and unorthidox but the real thing that makes
you special is your eyes. Something in them
makes them like Diamonds in the Rough.

What's Your Element(girls)?
brought to you by Quizilla

now..its quite clear who i am now...

Am I suicidal?

I fear that i need to know...

Take the quiz: "Are you really suicidal??"

your not sure
you can't decide if your life is bad enough that you really want to end it. your family and friends mean a lot to you and you dont want to cause them pain. just hang in there, the bad times will pass, and the good times are in your future. get rid of any pills or sharp objects in your room in case you happen to make up you mind...

Kamikazes

Day by day
you can see them
but you cannot approach them

Each morning
they wake up
and commit suicide

By mid day
these hungry souls rush
to fill their empty stomachs

Then night approaches
the killing ends
and they live again

Just to die another day

A quote that i got from the film ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND.
The film is nice (i couldn't find another adjective to describe it). The story was quite unusual, though it tackles about the theme that have been overly and superbly used over and over unrelentingly..yes LOVE it is..it still never failed to bring the audience to a new perspective. I don't think it was brought about by the memory erasing thing but then it had contributed to it. I will aso admit that I didn't grasped the message fully or it didn't make that much impact to me due maybe to the fact that im not IN LOVE or I HAVE NEVER BEEN in that situation. But I really wonder what if I am? I tried to put myself in that as I was watching the film but my efforts failed (or I just think so?). Anyway I don't want to sound like a film critique so anyway...shift topic..
There are 2 quotes given in the film, one is from Nietzsche the other is from Pope Alexander..oh..i mean Alexander Pope (w/c i wrote there on the pic) and as for Nietzsche here it is...

Blessed are the forgetful for they get the better even of their blunders. -- Nietzsche

i added a some of my fav quotes and poems..i think i made took me 3 hrs to finish this..y is it too long?...i also
dont know...
ders dis quote..yeah again..saying.."what im afraid of is not to be worthy of my sufferings..den..
ders...the poem i composed..
den..picture of bamboo and e-heads..
den ders another quote..my fav..but seems like a cliche to me now.."the greatest girefs are those we cause ourselves"...i just got it from Oedipus Rex..
i also added the word life there..i don't really know...i just feel like putting it there..since there's a space and i found some letter..so there it goes..

front cover of my anatomy book...i just made it like this so i wont be bored looking at the human anatomy and physiology..
there's this poem that i got from the web..
and a quote from a book that i read..
obviously..a pic of matilda

The chase

Run
run away
do not look back

Run
run fast
do not let me catch you

Ghost

you will probably understand me more
if you can
see this,
hear this,
touch this,
even for just a bit
feel this...

pain is an understatement
loneliness is not the word
i cannot express it more
but if just dig a little deeper
maybe then you will know
so till then...

i'll fade
till you sense me...

BP, PR, RR, temp..these are the vitals signs

or also known as the cardinal signs...discrepancy on this means a malfunction..

yes these are the vitals signs..
signs that my dawn in near
i cannot learn this
now this is truly a vital sign
make or break
fight or flight
its a dilemma...no other alternatives
now or never
will i still remain here
or take my flight somewhere
i must prepare
either for this test
or the next
failure..
is not an option..
it is a decision
so what now?